ugh this again?

soo yeah, im pretty much head over heels for you again. and i kinda like it, i just hope its not another one of those...how do u put it 'brief infatuations' [: because i really do miss us. you were the first guy i made out w/....first guy i wanted to make out with. and i cant shake you. but you like kayla, and she lieks you so im kinda....screwed. but you like me too? just not as much as kayla, i can change that. because i really want us to be together again. but at the same time, you were the only person who has ever hurt me so bad that i cant get over you, you shattered my self esteem and left me broken. im not sure that i can let you do that again. i fully trust you but ...idk if i really should trust you. i think ..i think i need to think about this because im scared. im scared to get hurt again. because you left me in a terrible place and now with all my family stuff i wamnt everything to run smooth, and i feel like you can make me happier then ive been in a while and that really excites me but idk. i just. dont. know. my mom says i should never ever go back out with you...not that that even matters to me. but idk, i mean there are so many flaws w/u...i mean ur disrespectful to ur parents, u run away a lot, ur kinda quirky, at sometimes embarassing, not gorgeus, and you can totally crush me. i guess im leaving things up to you mike, its ur call here, because you have my heart entirely. and that scares me half to death.

February 22 6:27

is it sad that you're my only fucking friend? laura i wish i didnt lose you because i jumped away from the closest person ive ever had to someone i cant tell nearly everything. CLEARLY SHE FUCKING LIKES HIM. thats why shed rub it in my face that 'weee have an inside joke!' and why she wont like kevin. Funny how when i go to her house and flirt with her brothers friend she gets mad at me..then proceeds to talk and flirt with him, wtf as if you werent gonna win already without taking his attention away from me? But when she coomes to my house and flirts with my sisters friend i help her, i talk her up to him and him to her. interesting how things work eh? no i would never even think of flirting with kevin, dana seemed to like him at the party so ill do my best to help her get w/him. funny cuz its the same age difference on both ends. identical situations but somehow she ends up with an older guy liking her and i end up with no self esteem getting stabbbed in the back by my 'best friend'. bull shit youre a natural flirt!!!! and if youre reading this, its me venting ok? im aloud to do that. its much better than shit talking to you to serena and everyone else which im sure you do cuz she fucking tells me when you do!. i wish there was no drama. i need to learn how to pick friends better. i thought we were gonna be best friends.....until you went and did this. nothing wrong? bull shit. it hurts that im back at this place, insecure no self esteem and no friends to talk about it to. it hurts it really hurts. no best friend. no best friend except this stupid computer program. and it wont give me advice n help me. i guess the closest thing i have to a best friend is lizette now cuz i can tell her everything n she tells me what to do. but shes not my best friend, fuckiing dana is. no i dont mean fucking dana i mean dana. i hate drama i hate fighting. but im not a dumbass and im fighting over nothing ? probably but im a jealous god damn mess. i knew from the start that me n chris was an impossibility it just hurts to have it confirmed by his 'bff' my best fucking friend. whipty fucking doo. 'does he im u or do u im him' ? she says..so that means he ims her damn, i am the annoying one he doesnt wanna talk to . i hate my self i hate myself for everything im not and not good enough for. i hate my life. i hate everything about everything. stupid teenage anxt? not really.

february 20 8:53

seems the only one who doesnt see your beauty is the face in the mirror lookin back at you you walk around here thinkin youre not pretty but thats not true because i know you. hold on baby youre losin it the waters high your jumpin into it and lettin go and no one knows that you cry but you dont tell anyone that you might not be the golden one and youre tied together with a smile but youre comin undone. i guess its true that love was all you wanted cuz youve given it away like its extra change hopin it will end up in his pocket but it leaves you out like a penny in the rain. oh cuz its not his price to pay hold on baby youre losin it the waters high youre jumpin into it and lettin go and no one knows that you cry but you dont tell anyone that you might not be the golden one and youre tied together with a smile but youre coming undone. hold on baby youre losin it the waters high your jumpin ino it and lettin go and no one knows that you cry but you dont tell anyone that you might not be the golden and youre tied together with a smile but youre comin undone.

fair enough to just say that its true? 100% of it?

february 20 8:06

say youre sorry that face of an angel comes out just when you need it to as i pace back in forth all this time cuz i honestly believed in you. holdin on the days drag on stupid girl shoulda known that im not a princess this aint a fairytale im not the one you sweep off her feet leader of the stairwell this aint hollywood this is a small town i was a dreamer before you went and let me down now its too late for you and your white horrse to come around. baby i was naive got lost in your eyes i never really had a chance i had so many dreams about you and me happy endings now i know that im not a princess this aint a fairytale im not the one you sweep off her feet leader of the stairwell this aint hollywood this is a small town i was a dreamer before you went and let me down now its too late for you and your white horse to come around and there you are on your knees beggin for forgiveness beggiin for me just like i wanted but im so sorry cuz im not your princess this aint a fairytale im gonna find someone someday that might actually treat me well this is a big world that was a small town theyre in the rearview mirror dissapearin now and its too late for you and your white horse to come around.

Story, Of, My, Life. did i ever have a chance with chris? nope. never. he'll never ask if im ok or notice somethings wrong with me, because he's into her not me. i shoulda known, stupid girl. of course he has a thing with some girl. this kinda sucks. i gotta stop hoping for things because it never works for me. i need to be realistic here. chris doesnt like me he can do better he never WILL like me, im just that annoying 9th grader that wont leave him alone. im never the cool one he'll im just so he can talk to her. ill always be the lap dog that gets all excited when he logs on. do i even wanna be friends with him if its never gonna be more? honestly; no. cuz its gonna be a constant reminder that hes much much better than me. and he always will be. this just isnt fair, how about i win for once? she wins and shes not even in teh fucking race. 5 minutes later, he dont care whether we're talking, im sure that their conversations are instantanious. im an 8, thats probably like nothing to him, he probably goes for 9s and 10s. i wish i never met him. i wish i never slept over. i wish i wish i wish. i wish i didnt fall so fast, no im not fooling myself no i dont THINK i fall too fast, if i didnt then i wouldnt be bawling, i wouldnt be caring so much. fml. just cuz hes a seventh grader doesnt mean hes in my league, i can do better? bull shit. HE can do better and thats just how it is. thats how it will always be and i should just give up, delete him and just w/e. stop talking about chris gio. erase him from my god damn memory, so i dont end up crying on my bed anymore, staining my sheets with my tears. these tears are worthless. i wonder if he knew i was crying right now he would care? nope. i wonder if he knew i was crying over him he would care; probably not. why do i matter? wow thats just weird a 9th grader i just met is crying over me..wow shes pathetic. like she had a chance w/me ha thats funny, probably be his reatction. whadda you know, 10 minutes of silence , will he say anything? nope because he doesnt care. im just some chick to talk to on the side. ouch this hurts. i wish i could just be done with guys. forever and ever and ever.

why doesnt romeo exist?

February 19 9:07

Damn. So that's how it is, im just that annoying girl. that obnoxious girl that wont leave him alone. fml. & as if i didnt already have my doubts about it. too bad its confirmed yet somehow ill still jump when he logs on again. fuck. this isnt fair. i wish just once some guy would like me as much as i like him. GUYS. SUCK. i dont think this is gonna work, im already getting hurt, i set myself up for hurt. damn.

2/17

sooo my last blog, my last entry was 'i like him so much' about devon. now im head over heels for chris. this is ridiculous. why do i fall so quickly? for guys i dont know? hmmmm. well i suppose i need to start ignoring the emotions, cuz tyler: liked him SO much got over him..i liked him the day after meetin him? qtip: just kinda decided i liked him..wtf? devon: idk????????? now its chris. but hes different. i dont wanna get over him, hes like...kevin camidge only amazing. hes hot, hotter than hot, funny, smart, and hes a flirt. which could be potentially dangerous? hmm. idk i dont want him to cheat on me, and i dont wanna be so in love with a seventh grader..UGH MAYBE I SHOULD GIVE UP ON HIM. can i just say nope i dont like him? nah cuz hten hell mssg me n ill squeel like a little girl. well no. this ones gonna work. i want it too badly.

December 4. 8:59 am

This sport is full of conflicting emotions. I want him to be at track every day. Yet I know that I no longer have feelings for him. So why do I make sure my make up looks great before i go down to see him. Why do i want to flirt with him and take his attention away from everyone else? Perhaps because I dont want him to move on. Maybe its because I want to stay good friends with him but I know that it wont happen unless he liikes me. Also, we're becoming better friends but I know that I will never be her best friend. No matter how close we get, no matter how many secrets we share, she'll never say that I am her best friend. As much as I want to be close to her, to share secrets with her and call her my best friend the feeling will never be mutual. Because she puts more value in time than relationship. I wish she could give me more. But for now i suppose I will have to just settle for what i have. Another thing would be my anti-eagle. Hes IN the chicken noodle soup with the dinosaur crackers but I cant ever flirt with him with out my never to be best friend getting mad at me. Clearly they will never go out. But she is still hopeful. Oh well, there is only so much I can do. This sport is full of conflicting emotions.